Finding Your Role In Your Relationships

The responsible mother? The doting father? The chill friend? The detached psychologist? The knowledgeable psychiatrist?

You know that TV trope, where the young mom has a precocious child who acts like the parent (i.e. Gilmore Girls)? It is humorous to watch but set in this imaginary TV land where such things can happen. It is a dysfunctional relationship that works for them. And that’s okay. Roles are not rigidly defined boxes. The roles between friend, mother, and daughter get all mixed up. The mother becomes a friend when they gush about boys, but she becomes the disciplinarian when her daughter breaks a rule. And when the mother falls apart, it’s up to the daughter to pick up the pieces. 

However, set lines are still useful. So where are those lines?

Each of us has a role in another person’s life. Friend, mother, father, son, daughter, student, teacher, director, caretaker, counselor. When a friend makes a reckless decision but has spent time to seriously consider it, you support him 100%. You don’t tell him how stupid he’s being if he’s already made his decision; he has his mother for that. Similarly, if your daughter is having a particularly bad day and you know she’s too far gone, don’t tell her to snap out of it; just comfort her like the devoted parent in you would. 

Figuring out your unique role

In order to help someone else, you have to understand the way they see you. How you see yourself in their lives is less important in comparison how they see you in their lives. That’s a change in perspective. To do that, you also need to understand yourself, and what kind of person you are. Even if you’re a mom, that doesn’t mean you have to wear mom jeans, bake cookies, and drive a minivan. Every person plays a unique, specific role in another person’s life, so be yourself. 

The best way to dissect this is to determine your strengths and weaknesses in order to understand what kind of role you will play for your relationship with your loved one. The best way to figure this out would be to observe your own actions; what kind of actions you find yourself gravitating toward. If you naturally hang out with your son casually and you’re good at helping him talk through his problems and providing a safe space to share his emotions, then that is one role you play in his life. If you are always alert for dangerous behaviors from your daughter, and you’re good with the authoritative tone, then that is one role you play in her life. Maybe you’re both, but you don’t know how to lighten the mood and make things fun. And that’s okay. There’s no possible way this could end in which you only have strengths and no weakness. So in that situation, you learn what will actually lighten your child’s mood and have that readily available, be it a person or activity. Realize that you are not best option in that situation, no matter how much you wish you were. Parents are expected to be able to handle all their child’s needs, but sometimes (and usually) it’s not possible.

The danger of a self-fulfilling prophecy

There’s a dangerous power in words and labels. In attempting to categorize and organize yourself, the small parts of you that don’t belong anywhere slip through the cracks. As you try to define your role as a mother and discover what your strengths and weaknesses are, you will start to mold your actions into the paragon of a mother. The problem here is the loss of self-awareness. The more you try to fit society’s definition to be a good mother, the more internal struggle you’ll feel if you don’t directly fit in the norm. Your unique strengths morph into standard weaknesses, and it will only make you feel worse about yourself. It is so much easier to just be you, even if that means you have to bend the lines a little. Instead of fitting into the role, have the role fit onto you. 
Stop trying to be something you are not. You know who you are, you know what works for you, so do it. Stop trying to meet others’ expectations or society’s norms. You need to meet your own expectations. What does being a mother mean to you? Forget what society says you need to be because you already have that ingrained deep into your brain. Try to gain insight into what you think can accomplish with your strengths and set your own goals, your own definitions for your own role. Don’t break your own personal integrity in order to have society tell you you’re doing a good job. Countless people walk into my office with a “picture perfect” life while feeling miserable.

Confined roles apply to everyone, not just you

Your loved one isn’t just playing the sick role. You aren’t just playing the healer role. It’s easy to place your loved one into one box of “needs to be taken care of” box. Remember when you saw your parents as just parents? They were people you both despised and admired, and they were the things that just always took care of everything for you. And then you had a sudden and complete realization that your parents are people too. They’re flawed human beings with depth and color. In the same way, your child is more than your daughter or son. They are more than just fragile beings of pristine innocence needing protection. They’re their own people too. They’re flawed human beings with color and depth. 

Being present

As parents, you must be the masters of multitasking, doing six-handed jobs with only two. Nowadays, everyone can multitask. But isn’t the real challenge focusing on one task? Be present in what you are doing right now; keep your mind from drifting into your latest project at work while you’re taking a walk with your kid. This constant mind wandering and lack of focus can leave us feel like we suck at everything. Do whatever you’re doing with as much focus as possible.

How to practice this?

1. Slow down.

The best way to start this challenge is to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Slow down! Ironically, the more time you give yourself to complete just one task, the faster you’ll get it done. You won’t let yourself do anything else in that span of time. So take each moment to focus all your energy and focus on this single task. Use all five senses to feel present in this moment in time. Keep your practical, short-term goals in your head as you complete the related tasks working toward this goal. It will keep you focused and on-task, and keep the distracting thoughts at bay. 

2. Make separate to-do lists for each “role”

Planning ahead is a clear cut way to avoid feeling the panicked rush caused by the culmination of procrastinating on different tasks. Instead of creating one lengthy to-do list, jumbled with tasks from refilling your son’s medication to calling your boss about a scheduling issue, create separate lists or sectioned off portions. This way, you can face your tasks with the appropriate mindset under the situational context. Ways to section this off might be: work, family, personal. Too many lists will just counteract your attempts to stay simple and balanced.

3. Practice meditation.

Remember to take those deep breaths. This goes hand in hand with slowing down. In addition to slowing down in your everyday tasks, section out some time each day to really feel present in the moment. You should be so present that you get shivers down your back realizing just how fleeting this precise second it is, how time is just flooding over you. Yes. That deep. Meditation is the ultimate achievement when it comes to being fully present. If you can meditate, you can get through this. 

4. Begin with single-focus, full-attention tasks.

Reading a book is an activity that is very difficult to do with anything else. Spend time reading a book every day for 20 minutes. Get absorbed into another world, just like you did when you were young. Find an activity in which you become fully immersed. Playing an instrument has also been shown to activate every area of your brain. Between reading music, controlling your fingers, and incorporating some genuine emotion into the music, your brain will be too busy to think about anything else. If you start with tasks that naturally require your full attention, gradually you will be more comfortable with taking your time with one activity at a time.

5. Remove distractions

That beeping smoke alarm battery you need to replace. The never-ending email tone on your phone. The smell of those strawberries on the counter. The finished laundry that needs to be folded. Physical or mental, distractions destroy focus. They leave you feeling as though you had the most unproductive day. You just have to trick your mind into thinking that everything outside of your current task at hand is okay. Everything else in the world is okay. Of course, sometimes this is not true. However, only emergencies should take precedence. Otherwise, it can wait. 

Being in the present moment means you need to accept one role at a time. These roles can be as flexible as you need them to be, but there still need to be roles that allow you to section off your life and create the lines you need. It’s more important to maintain your personal integrity than it is to fill roles that society expects you to fulfill. By doing this, you can be PRESENT in the roles you do play in your loved ones’ lives.